The Kids are Alright

A friend sent me a lovely email today, one in which she asked me how I was doing in light of everything that has been going on in the last year.  She asked if I was okay, was I depressed, was I frustrated, was I worried?  As is often the case when someone you care about asks such questions, there was a temptation to dash off the one line "I'm fine, thanks for asking!" reply.  The one that has the obligatory use of the exclamation mark, just to prove how fine you really are.  The one that brushes off the real answer, the deeper answer, and is meant as nothing more than a surface reassurance.  The kind of answer that we are skeptical of when we get it ourselves.

I felt that I owed her more than that; and it seemed a good opportunity to take my own emotional temperature.  Am I really 'fine?'  So I set down to write an honest reply; in doing so I kind of surprised myself.  I am, actually, fine.  Better than fine, really.  I found myself writing that I am truly grateful for this past year or so.

1. I was freed from a job that I wasn't particularly happy in.  I truly enjoyed the people I worked with.  It was a joy to spend so much of my time with funny, smart, interesting people; most of whom loved what they did and were really, really good at it.  I liked the company I worked for, I liked the idea that my work contributed to a company that tried to heal people with serious diseases.  But I never felt that I was working at my potential, and I never felt that I had the opportunity to advance or that I my skills and knowledge were be used in the best and highest use.  And yet I never seriously attempted to rectify that.

2. I was given the opportunity to take an extended trip, to spend time in some amazing and wonderful places.  I met some sweet and interesting people, was allowed to be a temporary local in France, in Ireland, in Scotland.  It was a rest I dearly needed but never realized how much. 

3. I have had the opportunity to deepen and develop a couple of interests that were peripheral hobbies.  Interests that have roots going back almost a decade.  I feel like I went from an apprentice to a pretty skilled journeyman when it comes to wine and food; and I feel as though I have become a better, stronger writer in the process.

4.  As a result of those interests, I have met some pretty wonderful people.  I have met folks who have a passion for what they do, who have a drive that gets them out of bed in the morning to work longer, harder hours in the pursuit of their interests than they ever did working in a traditional 9-5 job, and who couldn't be happier as a result.They truly are craftsmen, and beyond that they are just darned nice people.

5. I have discovered who my cheerleaders are, and have come to appreciate them more than ever.  I have met new people who I doubt I would have come in contact with in any other circumstance.  People who have given me new perspectives, new ideas, and a renewed energy to pursue them.

6. I have learned that it is okay to ask people for help.  That it is not some sort of personal failing.  That alone has been worth the price of admission.

 At the end of the day, I am not just doing okay, I am doing pretty darn good.  I am a better, smarter, stronger person for this journey.  Not that it has been a bed of roses - it has been challenging, depressing, irritating, frustrating, at times I have felt hopeless and even worthless.  And yet, I have survived, even thrived in this little petri dish.  So yeah - I'm doing just fine.  Thanks for asking.

Thankfulness

About six years ago now, I had an annus horriblus; two friends died of cancer, my nephew took his own life, my mentor died suddenly of a burst aneurysm, my grandmother died - and oh yeah, my cat of 21 years also passed away. A terrible year indeed. There were days I was afraid to answer the phone, days I was afraid to go outside, days I was afraid I would never be anything other than heartbroken and sad ever again. If the Universe was trying to teach me something, it had my attention.

I recall one day when I made what I thought was a humble request. I was standing at the beach at Torrey Pines, a lovely place between La Jolla and Del Mar - a wild and beautiful little stretch of beach where I often went to think. A storm had hammered the area most of the night before; the sky was a steely gray, as was the ocean; and the waves came in feral, foam tipped waves that perfectly matched the way I was feeling - tumultuous and angry. Standing there on the sand, chilled from the wind, feeling the spray of the water as it slapped onto the beach, I looked out at the water and asked for just a day. A day in which no one died, no one got ill, no bad news or upsets. Okay, yes, it was melodramatic, but it felt very real at the time. I figured a day was not to much to ask, just 24 little hours. It was, I reasoned, the lesson the Universe was trying to teach me - be thankful for those hours in which everything is fine.

It's been six years now. Six years filled with a lot of days in which everything was fine. I began to take it for granted again. Easy to do when things are good. Weeks go by with nary a negative event. Friends and family are healthy, the bills get paid, vacations are planned and even sometimes taken. Thankfulness becomes complacency.

But tonight; of course it would be tonight; I am reclaiming that thankfulness. Because in the last year there have been a lot of bumps in the road. But for every bump, there has been a bright spot. A friend diagnosed with cancer this time last year has waged an epic battle and one year on is on the cusp of being free of the disease. I was laid off - but from a job that I didn't especially enjoy but couldn't seem to muster the gumption to leave. So four months on, still unemployed I feel a renewed sense of finding and following my bliss; just to name a couple of the biggies - and in between there have been little moments of disappointment, always followed by aha moments of understanding. Everything happens for a reason.

So tonight I am thankful for so very many things. For a friend getting better, for new horizons, for good people, friends old and new, for new adventures, new lessons yet to be learned. I am thankful for big brothers, silly dogs, wonderful (and silly) nephews and a bright and beautiful niece. For all the hours in which things are good and calm and peaceful. And I am thankful for a rainy, stormy night in Portland that gave me the time to slow down and see it all.