I have had some bad days, days when I wonder if any of this is worth it. They are the days when I want to pack up and go. Anywhere. Anywhere that isn't here. Days when I hate everyone around me and I am positive that no matter what I have done in the past year, I am going to end up exactly where I was before. In a dead end job that I am not happy in. Those are rough times. They are the nights when I cry into my pillow. They are the days that lack the ambition to do little more than sit at my computer and kill time. They are the times that I think that I am kidding myself.
Then there are times when something unexpected happens, when the sun breaks through the clouds and the world is lovely. Those are the times when I can actually see a different future, one where I am doing what I love and being happy in my life. Okay, maybe I jump the gun a bit. But still...they are moments that give me hope, and I am all about the hope.
Last night was one of those moments. A friend, a cheerleader really, prompted me to do something that I was too shy to do. She told me to get my stuff out there. Use my Social Media know how and start promoting myself. You see I write another blog - Vine Woman. It is my blog of all that is good and wonderful about living in the Northwest. It is all about my passion for food, wine, beer, travel, the good things in life. This one is all about me, and my journey towards becoming Vine Woman. This one is more private and introspective. That one I actively promote. This cheerleader (you know who you are) prompted me to start publicizing new posts.
So I did, about two weeks ago. It was hard to do, but I did the conversions and tweeted about my latest and held my breath. Nothing much happened, really. Then yesterday, one of the wineries I follow on Twitter (and who seems to follow me), retweeted my blog. I have 62 followers. They have 1,000. 1,000 people saw that tweet and a goodly number of them decided to follow the link. It is a small step. A mere baby step. But it is the kind of step that makes me think that maybe there is something to all of this after all. It was a good day. It was a phenomenal day, really. One to hold onto for those days that are miserable.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
The Kids are Alright
A friend sent me a lovely email today, one in which she asked me how I was doing in light of everything that has been going on in the last year. She asked if I was okay, was I depressed, was I frustrated, was I worried? As is often the case when someone you care about asks such questions, there was a temptation to dash off the one line "I'm fine, thanks for asking!" reply. The one that has the obligatory use of the exclamation mark, just to prove how fine you really are. The one that brushes off the real answer, the deeper answer, and is meant as nothing more than a surface reassurance. The kind of answer that we are skeptical of when we get it ourselves.
I felt that I owed her more than that; and it seemed a good opportunity to take my own emotional temperature. Am I really 'fine?' So I set down to write an honest reply; in doing so I kind of surprised myself. I am, actually, fine. Better than fine, really. I found myself writing that I am truly grateful for this past year or so.
1. I was freed from a job that I wasn't particularly happy in. I truly enjoyed the people I worked with. It was a joy to spend so much of my time with funny, smart, interesting people; most of whom loved what they did and were really, really good at it. I liked the company I worked for, I liked the idea that my work contributed to a company that tried to heal people with serious diseases. But I never felt that I was working at my potential, and I never felt that I had the opportunity to advance or that I my skills and knowledge were be used in the best and highest use. And yet I never seriously attempted to rectify that.
2. I was given the opportunity to take an extended trip, to spend time in some amazing and wonderful places. I met some sweet and interesting people, was allowed to be a temporary local in France, in Ireland, in Scotland. It was a rest I dearly needed but never realized how much.
3. I have had the opportunity to deepen and develop a couple of interests that were peripheral hobbies. Interests that have roots going back almost a decade. I feel like I went from an apprentice to a pretty skilled journeyman when it comes to wine and food; and I feel as though I have become a better, stronger writer in the process.
4. As a result of those interests, I have met some pretty wonderful people. I have met folks who have a passion for what they do, who have a drive that gets them out of bed in the morning to work longer, harder hours in the pursuit of their interests than they ever did working in a traditional 9-5 job, and who couldn't be happier as a result.They truly are craftsmen, and beyond that they are just darned nice people.
5. I have discovered who my cheerleaders are, and have come to appreciate them more than ever. I have met new people who I doubt I would have come in contact with in any other circumstance. People who have given me new perspectives, new ideas, and a renewed energy to pursue them.
6. I have learned that it is okay to ask people for help. That it is not some sort of personal failing. That alone has been worth the price of admission.
At the end of the day, I am not just doing okay, I am doing pretty darn good. I am a better, smarter, stronger person for this journey. Not that it has been a bed of roses - it has been challenging, depressing, irritating, frustrating, at times I have felt hopeless and even worthless. And yet, I have survived, even thrived in this little petri dish. So yeah - I'm doing just fine. Thanks for asking.
I felt that I owed her more than that; and it seemed a good opportunity to take my own emotional temperature. Am I really 'fine?' So I set down to write an honest reply; in doing so I kind of surprised myself. I am, actually, fine. Better than fine, really. I found myself writing that I am truly grateful for this past year or so.
1. I was freed from a job that I wasn't particularly happy in. I truly enjoyed the people I worked with. It was a joy to spend so much of my time with funny, smart, interesting people; most of whom loved what they did and were really, really good at it. I liked the company I worked for, I liked the idea that my work contributed to a company that tried to heal people with serious diseases. But I never felt that I was working at my potential, and I never felt that I had the opportunity to advance or that I my skills and knowledge were be used in the best and highest use. And yet I never seriously attempted to rectify that.
2. I was given the opportunity to take an extended trip, to spend time in some amazing and wonderful places. I met some sweet and interesting people, was allowed to be a temporary local in France, in Ireland, in Scotland. It was a rest I dearly needed but never realized how much.
3. I have had the opportunity to deepen and develop a couple of interests that were peripheral hobbies. Interests that have roots going back almost a decade. I feel like I went from an apprentice to a pretty skilled journeyman when it comes to wine and food; and I feel as though I have become a better, stronger writer in the process.
4. As a result of those interests, I have met some pretty wonderful people. I have met folks who have a passion for what they do, who have a drive that gets them out of bed in the morning to work longer, harder hours in the pursuit of their interests than they ever did working in a traditional 9-5 job, and who couldn't be happier as a result.They truly are craftsmen, and beyond that they are just darned nice people.
5. I have discovered who my cheerleaders are, and have come to appreciate them more than ever. I have met new people who I doubt I would have come in contact with in any other circumstance. People who have given me new perspectives, new ideas, and a renewed energy to pursue them.
6. I have learned that it is okay to ask people for help. That it is not some sort of personal failing. That alone has been worth the price of admission.
At the end of the day, I am not just doing okay, I am doing pretty darn good. I am a better, smarter, stronger person for this journey. Not that it has been a bed of roses - it has been challenging, depressing, irritating, frustrating, at times I have felt hopeless and even worthless. And yet, I have survived, even thrived in this little petri dish. So yeah - I'm doing just fine. Thanks for asking.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Motivation
One thing that dogs me constantly is motivation. As in the lack thereof. Inertia is my enemy, I realize, one that sneaks up on me wearing the best of intentions. No really, you deserve a day off from this relentless job hunt. Won't hurt a thing, I promise. Just a day to relax and not have to search a gazillion job boards. It sounds reasonable, it sounds nice, it sounds like good advice when all is said and done. Sometimes you do need a day off.
Lately it has become too easy to take a day off too often. Like for several days straight. Too easy to justify not looking today. It's a holiday week, no one will be posting anyway. No, really, I need time to think about this thing or that thing, how to craft my resume or cover letter; to think about if this is really a good fit. So I step away from the computer, step away from the job hunt. Step away from the work that will feed my intentions. And the more steps I take away from it all, the harder it is to get back to it.
I tell myself that I just need a little motivation. Something to spur me on, to invigorate and inspire me. Something that will renew my energy and propel me back to where I need to be. I keep looking for it, expecting to find it hidden away somewhere, like a child playing hide and go seek. Thinking that it will pop out from unexpected nook and yell "surprise!" But it hasn't.
I read once that motivation follows action. It is about as true a statement as I have ever encountered. Motivation does not spring forth unbidden from some magic lamp. Motivation does not arise like the sun, requiring us only to stretch, yawn and step out of bed to greet it. Motivation is a catalyst - something that, when added to action, spurs it on and accelerates the process. If there is nothing there for it to act on, it is inert.
Today I am taking the first steps, restarting the engine and trusting that motivation has built up in the environment, just waiting for that spark to get it moving. Truthfully, it is a battle, but one that I will win. Because motivation follows action. And acting is what I intend to do today.
Lately it has become too easy to take a day off too often. Like for several days straight. Too easy to justify not looking today. It's a holiday week, no one will be posting anyway. No, really, I need time to think about this thing or that thing, how to craft my resume or cover letter; to think about if this is really a good fit. So I step away from the computer, step away from the job hunt. Step away from the work that will feed my intentions. And the more steps I take away from it all, the harder it is to get back to it.
I tell myself that I just need a little motivation. Something to spur me on, to invigorate and inspire me. Something that will renew my energy and propel me back to where I need to be. I keep looking for it, expecting to find it hidden away somewhere, like a child playing hide and go seek. Thinking that it will pop out from unexpected nook and yell "surprise!" But it hasn't.
I read once that motivation follows action. It is about as true a statement as I have ever encountered. Motivation does not spring forth unbidden from some magic lamp. Motivation does not arise like the sun, requiring us only to stretch, yawn and step out of bed to greet it. Motivation is a catalyst - something that, when added to action, spurs it on and accelerates the process. If there is nothing there for it to act on, it is inert.
Today I am taking the first steps, restarting the engine and trusting that motivation has built up in the environment, just waiting for that spark to get it moving. Truthfully, it is a battle, but one that I will win. Because motivation follows action. And acting is what I intend to do today.
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