Intention

Merriam Webster defines intention thusly:

Function: noun

Date: 14th century

1 : a determination to act in a certain way : resolve
2 : import, significance

There has been a lot of talk, books written, comedians commenting on, etc around intention.  It has become one of those 'woo woo' words (as my brother in law likes to say) that people invoke along with things like "the will of the universe" and other such things.  But I think it has been done a disservice.

Look at that definition again.  A determination to act in a certain way; resolve.  In this last year, I can honestly say that my intentions have been all over the place.  My determination to act in a certain way has swung, pendulum like, across a broad spectrum of career choices.  It is fair to say that instead of  acting on what I wanted, I was acting only on what I didn't want. As in, I have no idea what I want my next job to look like, but I do know what I DON'T want it to look like.  I built a long list of things that I wasn't willing to do anymore.  I didn't build much of a list of what I did want to do.

Oh, I could give you fuzzy ideas about what I wanted.  I want to write.  I want to travel. I want a chance to grow and learn.  I want new challenges.  All of those things are great, on the face of them. What they don't do is give any intention of what that next position would actually look like.  Write what? Travel where? Grow how? Those questions are left hanging.  So when that dreaded interview question came up - 'where do you see yourself in five years?' - I was left hanging as well.

In my desire to not do something, I completely neglected what it was I did want.  I think part of it is fear.  Look at the last part of that definition: Import, significance. Yes, I want my next move to be important, to be a significant move.  But if I do that and I fail?  What if that choice is the wrong one?  What will others think of my choice?  Those are scary things to hang words like importance, significance, determination, and resolve on!

So here are my intentions: To write the stories that live in my head, to write about the things I love and enjoy and want to share with the world such as my northwest life blog.  To write about the travel I love and crave.  The places I have been and the places I have yet to visit.  To get paid for doing so!  That is my intention.  There.  I've said it, or rather written it, for the world to hear or read or whatever.

Keeping the Faith

I've probably talked about this before, but it is hard - really hard - to keep a sunny outlook.  There are days when I feel worthless, days when I feel useless, days when I can spend hours beating myself up over the fact that I don't have a job.  I can look over my job log; the spreadsheet where I faithfully record every position I have applied for, every place and every person I have sent a resume to; and deride myself for the things that I am going for. 

There is the little voice in my head that likes to mock me "Seriously? You think they are going to consider you??" it says as I read a job title.  "Like that's going to happen!" it laughs as I finish off a cover letter and get ready to send it.  It is the same voice that pines for my 'old life' and whines that it wants it back. 

Last week I was back in Seattle, and on a whim I stopped at my favorite market.  I pulled into the parking lot and I found myself getting really sad.  In fact, I nearly cried.  It was so familiar, so achingly familiar, this remnant of my life a year ago that it caught me off guard.  I began to mourn for this wonderful life I once had, and the familiar refrain of "I just want my life back!" began to play on the endless feedback loop in my head. 

Ah yes, that wonderful old life I had.   The job that was unfulfilling, the apartment that had a great view but was on an incredibly noisy street with incredibly noisy neighbors and was structurally damaged; the friends I saw infrequently and the frenemies that came around a little too much.  There were aspects of that life that I loved, but many more that I didn't.

In the end, I think, it is an illusion. A ploy to get you back to 'safe' because right now you don't feel any sense of safety.  It is a dream of a better time that never existed.  I have to believe - have to believe - that something better is just over the horizon for me.  That something will break and will break soon, that will be that better life I have been looking for for the past two years.  It just happens that out of those 24 months, 12 have them have conspired to make me just a bit more uncomfortable.  I do know it is out there, that I am approaching it a bit more every day.  There are times I just wish it would hurry up and get here!

Everyone Needs a Cheerleader

A friend of mine has cancer.  She was told she was terminal and had about 18 months.  She has now passed that, is doing great, plays golf a couple of times a week and shows no sign of dying any time soon.  She attributes at least part of this so-called miraculous state to her team of cheerleaders.  Another friend is going through some serious marital problems, it has been difficult for her, but things are starting to look up; she claims she wouldn't be seeing this turn around if she didn't have great friends cheering her on.  Everybody needs a cheerleader now and again, even if it isn't anything as drastic as cancer, or as depressing as divorce.

I know this first hand.  I have just passed the one year mark of unemployment.  It has been a frustrating, exhilarating, frightening, freeing, and otherwise emotional year.  It would be easy to be discouraged and depressed; it would be easy to be bitter, it would be easy to give up.  Heaven knows there are a lot of people out there who want to help you go down that path.  I have written about the well-meaning but ultimately unhelpful folks in the past.  But I am also fortunate.  I have cheerleaders.

I have friends (some of whom are family) who have been encouraging and supportive.  There is the aforementioned friend with cancer who has been unfailingly upbeat and positive, telling me that holding out for the dream is not just a good idea, but an obvious one.  There have been my brothers who are always willing to listen to me, always quick to give good advice when I ask, or just be silently supportive when I don't.  There are the friends who have offered me a roof over my head without hesitation, and who are pulling out the stops to help me through ideas and introductions.

They have pulled out the tough love when needed, provided the strong shoulder, the good laughs, and trotted out the pep talks when I was discouraged.   These are people who have unfailingly been in my corner, regardless.  Cheering me on, telling me the upside, and agreeing that yes, something good is just around the corner - they can feel it.

We all need a cheerleader.  I am fortunate and more grateful than I can say that I have a squad of them.