About six years ago now, I had an annus horriblus; two friends died of cancer, my nephew took his own life, my mentor died suddenly of a burst aneurysm, my grandmother died - and oh yeah, my cat of 21 years also passed away. A terrible year indeed. There were days I was afraid to answer the phone, days I was afraid to go outside, days I was afraid I would never be anything other than heartbroken and sad ever again. If the Universe was trying to teach me something, it had my attention.
I recall one day when I made what I thought was a humble request. I was standing at the beach at Torrey Pines, a lovely place between La Jolla and Del Mar - a wild and beautiful little stretch of beach where I often went to think. A storm had hammered the area most of the night before; the sky was a steely gray, as was the ocean; and the waves came in feral, foam tipped waves that perfectly matched the way I was feeling - tumultuous and angry. Standing there on the sand, chilled from the wind, feeling the spray of the water as it slapped onto the beach, I looked out at the water and asked for just a day. A day in which no one died, no one got ill, no bad news or upsets. Okay, yes, it was melodramatic, but it felt very real at the time. I figured a day was not to much to ask, just 24 little hours. It was, I reasoned, the lesson the Universe was trying to teach me - be thankful for those hours in which everything is fine.
It's been six years now. Six years filled with a lot of days in which everything was fine. I began to take it for granted again. Easy to do when things are good. Weeks go by with nary a negative event. Friends and family are healthy, the bills get paid, vacations are planned and even sometimes taken. Thankfulness becomes complacency.
But tonight; of course it would be tonight; I am reclaiming that thankfulness. Because in the last year there have been a lot of bumps in the road. But for every bump, there has been a bright spot. A friend diagnosed with cancer this time last year has waged an epic battle and one year on is on the cusp of being free of the disease. I was laid off - but from a job that I didn't especially enjoy but couldn't seem to muster the gumption to leave. So four months on, still unemployed I feel a renewed sense of finding and following my bliss; just to name a couple of the biggies - and in between there have been little moments of disappointment, always followed by aha moments of understanding. Everything happens for a reason.
So tonight I am thankful for so very many things. For a friend getting better, for new horizons, for good people, friends old and new, for new adventures, new lessons yet to be learned. I am thankful for big brothers, silly dogs, wonderful (and silly) nephews and a bright and beautiful niece. For all the hours in which things are good and calm and peaceful. And I am thankful for a rainy, stormy night in Portland that gave me the time to slow down and see it all.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
If I Had a Million Dollars
What a fun game - to imagine what you would do if you had a million dollars. Anything you wanted (as long as it is legal, of course). Graduate school perhaps? Buy a great house? Get a new car? Hey - maybe travel for an entire year! Say a new country every month (okay, Spain and Italy get two months each - those places are huge!). Ride freighters all over the world. Buy an around the world ticket. Start a non-profit. Fund a non-profit. Start a business. Run for office The possibilities are endless, really.
What a dangerous game. Dangerous? Yes. Because if you could do that with a million dollars, why can't you do it now? I can hear the denials piling up in my brain as I type that. What about the debt I already have? How would I, could I ever do any of that without that money? Still, I have to believe that if I put my mind to it, I could do it. Maybe it would take some work and planning and research and organization. But I am pretty sure that I could do it. Sure, I might fall flat on my face during the execution of it, and yet wouldn't it be fun - or at least exhilarating - to try?
I keep reading all these books on the 'new economy,' ones that tell me that the time is now to take chances. Ones that say that rarely has there been a better time to start a business or take a risk. And maybe I am falling for the propaganda. Still, there is something in there that sounds plausible to me. That maybe, just maybe I don't actually need a million dollars, that I don't need to win the lottery to make my dreams come true. Maybe all I need is to actually act on my dreams. Really, it's kind of like the slogan you always hear for that self same lottery - you can't win if you don't play.
What a dangerous game. Dangerous? Yes. Because if you could do that with a million dollars, why can't you do it now? I can hear the denials piling up in my brain as I type that. What about the debt I already have? How would I, could I ever do any of that without that money? Still, I have to believe that if I put my mind to it, I could do it. Maybe it would take some work and planning and research and organization. But I am pretty sure that I could do it. Sure, I might fall flat on my face during the execution of it, and yet wouldn't it be fun - or at least exhilarating - to try?
I keep reading all these books on the 'new economy,' ones that tell me that the time is now to take chances. Ones that say that rarely has there been a better time to start a business or take a risk. And maybe I am falling for the propaganda. Still, there is something in there that sounds plausible to me. That maybe, just maybe I don't actually need a million dollars, that I don't need to win the lottery to make my dreams come true. Maybe all I need is to actually act on my dreams. Really, it's kind of like the slogan you always hear for that self same lottery - you can't win if you don't play.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Decking the Halls
The Holiday season is fast approaching, and there seems to be very little anyone can do to get out of it's path. Don't get me wrong, I love big holiday dinners, can't get enough of turkey, stuffing and pumpkin pie. I love little twinkling lights on trees and houses. I love the idea of wrapping gifts in beautiful, festive papers and ribbons. I love the idea of the holidays. I am not always so fond of the reality of them.
For some reason I have a picture of the holidays in my head that vaguely resembles something that Norman Rockwell would have painted. Snowy landscapes, children on sleds, a comely, slightly zaftig maternal type happily industrious in the kitchen while the handsome and grey templed paternal type cheerfully fixes some toy for a youngster. Sadly, my view of the holidays more closely resembles a cheesy 50's sit-com than reality has tried to teach me. The truth is that my holiday experiences have been Kafka-esque than Rockwell-esque (and by Kafka, it leans decidedly more towards The Trial than it does Metamorphosis. Seemed important to clarify that...).
I'm not trying to disparage big family holidays. I know people who have them and genuinely love them. However, such holidays just have not been the majority of my experience, and I am always surprised by how many people I know who feel the sane way. People who want family gatherings to be something more (or less) than what we end up getting. We walk in with the high hopes, only to leave feeling oddly disconcerted and unfulfilled.
Since I have finally faced the fact that the holidays for me are far more existential than quintessential, I am a happier person. Now that the unrealistic expectations have been set aside, holiday time has become much more enjoyable; in fact, the holidays that I spend alone are really quite lovely in my book. And that is what seems to baffle most everyone I know - why in heaven's name would anyone choose to be alone at Thanksgiving; or worse, at Christmas???
It is because in those moments I can bask in what I love about my family, what I love about my friends, and enjoy the quiet solitude of that affection and admiration. Move that Rockwell painting a little to the left and you will see the person sitting in the snowy clearing, alone and content, appreciating the hush of the forest, drinking in the landscape, just being in that moment. Happy because they know that the house is just over there; where there are family and friends and noise and chaos, ever changing but ever constant; still within reach, but at a happy distance. That person? That would be me.
For some reason I have a picture of the holidays in my head that vaguely resembles something that Norman Rockwell would have painted. Snowy landscapes, children on sleds, a comely, slightly zaftig maternal type happily industrious in the kitchen while the handsome and grey templed paternal type cheerfully fixes some toy for a youngster. Sadly, my view of the holidays more closely resembles a cheesy 50's sit-com than reality has tried to teach me. The truth is that my holiday experiences have been Kafka-esque than Rockwell-esque (and by Kafka, it leans decidedly more towards The Trial than it does Metamorphosis. Seemed important to clarify that...).
I'm not trying to disparage big family holidays. I know people who have them and genuinely love them. However, such holidays just have not been the majority of my experience, and I am always surprised by how many people I know who feel the sane way. People who want family gatherings to be something more (or less) than what we end up getting. We walk in with the high hopes, only to leave feeling oddly disconcerted and unfulfilled.
Since I have finally faced the fact that the holidays for me are far more existential than quintessential, I am a happier person. Now that the unrealistic expectations have been set aside, holiday time has become much more enjoyable; in fact, the holidays that I spend alone are really quite lovely in my book. And that is what seems to baffle most everyone I know - why in heaven's name would anyone choose to be alone at Thanksgiving; or worse, at Christmas???
It is because in those moments I can bask in what I love about my family, what I love about my friends, and enjoy the quiet solitude of that affection and admiration. Move that Rockwell painting a little to the left and you will see the person sitting in the snowy clearing, alone and content, appreciating the hush of the forest, drinking in the landscape, just being in that moment. Happy because they know that the house is just over there; where there are family and friends and noise and chaos, ever changing but ever constant; still within reach, but at a happy distance. That person? That would be me.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Darwinism and the Job Hunt
Everyone thinks of Darwinism as survival of the fittest - the smartest, fastest, strongest survive while the weak are thrown to the lionesses pursuing the pack. But that isn't really what Darwin said. In fact what he said was:
The reason I am mulling this over arises from my own metamorphosis from employee to job hunter and possible entrepreneur. I am soaking in change to the point that my fingers are pruney. Normally change is not a big deal for me - I have picked up and moved three times now to new places with no job. I survived. I have been laid off a grand total of 6 times (including my infamous twice in one week incident), I have returned to school after a long hiatus, and I have made forays into foreign countries by myself. And while during the actual events there was some fear and upheaval and doubts, I did just fine.
So hear I sit, rounding out month 3 without a job (I count from the time my severance ended, and don't include my 5 weeks in Europe, because that would seem overly dramatic), working some stuff in the background for self employment and actively job hunting, and it is still a little scary. I know I will survive. Because I can adapt. I can change. That's my mantra for the week. Slightly reminiscent of Clint Eastwood in Heartbreak Ridge, but I will take it.
“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.”Which is a very different thing. The fastest might outrun the lions and survive today, sure, but long term? It is the one that can adapt to the ever changing environment they live in. My point - and yes I do have one - is that in the current environment, we had all better be able to work with change. Because everything is changing all around us all the time. The way we work, the way we look for work, the way we communicate, the way we spend our leisure hours, the way we do pretty much everything.
The reason I am mulling this over arises from my own metamorphosis from employee to job hunter and possible entrepreneur. I am soaking in change to the point that my fingers are pruney. Normally change is not a big deal for me - I have picked up and moved three times now to new places with no job. I survived. I have been laid off a grand total of 6 times (including my infamous twice in one week incident), I have returned to school after a long hiatus, and I have made forays into foreign countries by myself. And while during the actual events there was some fear and upheaval and doubts, I did just fine.
So hear I sit, rounding out month 3 without a job (I count from the time my severance ended, and don't include my 5 weeks in Europe, because that would seem overly dramatic), working some stuff in the background for self employment and actively job hunting, and it is still a little scary. I know I will survive. Because I can adapt. I can change. That's my mantra for the week. Slightly reminiscent of Clint Eastwood in Heartbreak Ridge, but I will take it.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Sleepless Nights and Sneezing Fits
Funny what fall, stress and allergies do to you. Funny what we do to ourselves to augment stress. A friend of mine likes to tell me that stress is not "real." By which she means that it is all in our heads. And I guess it is, in a way. Still, that unreality triggers a really impressive biochemical reaction, one that expresses itself in different ways in different people. For me it is sleepless nights and allergies. Sure, yes, I know - fall and leaves and dust and all that. But it seems to be worse when I am fretting over something. Like being unemployed. Like living in my friends' spare bedroom. Like researching all the crap that goes into starting a new business.
So scratchy throat, itchy eyes, and sneezy me spends a lot of time gazing at the ceiling, fretting about all the stuff that I fret about. Which makes it worse. Which leads to more ceiling gazing. There are nights when I long for a switch to just turn my brain off. The endless loop of what ifs and concerns and oh mys and all of it, running around in my head like a group of demented hamsters tucked into those little clear plastic balls.
Sometimes I can derail myself, I find decorating fantasy homes is a good diversion. I have now decorated a dozen different places from a beach house in Croatia to a townhouse in Seattle. I have planned trips to Turkey, trips to Germany, trips to Costa Rica, and trips to visit friends. Sometimes it is enough just to try to list as many international cities as I can for each letter of the alphabet (yes, I have gotten all the way to Zagreb a few times).
There are upsides, of course. Having those quiet hours late at night, or early in the morning are often wonderful. There is something about early morning that is calming. There are nights when it allows me to finally finish a book, or spend time scribbling madly in a notebook (other diversions that help turn off the feedback loop in my brain). And sometimes it allows for a clarity of thought that surprises me. But it would be nice to not to have to yawn, sneeze and sniffle my way to get there!
So scratchy throat, itchy eyes, and sneezy me spends a lot of time gazing at the ceiling, fretting about all the stuff that I fret about. Which makes it worse. Which leads to more ceiling gazing. There are nights when I long for a switch to just turn my brain off. The endless loop of what ifs and concerns and oh mys and all of it, running around in my head like a group of demented hamsters tucked into those little clear plastic balls.
Sometimes I can derail myself, I find decorating fantasy homes is a good diversion. I have now decorated a dozen different places from a beach house in Croatia to a townhouse in Seattle. I have planned trips to Turkey, trips to Germany, trips to Costa Rica, and trips to visit friends. Sometimes it is enough just to try to list as many international cities as I can for each letter of the alphabet (yes, I have gotten all the way to Zagreb a few times).
There are upsides, of course. Having those quiet hours late at night, or early in the morning are often wonderful. There is something about early morning that is calming. There are nights when it allows me to finally finish a book, or spend time scribbling madly in a notebook (other diversions that help turn off the feedback loop in my brain). And sometimes it allows for a clarity of thought that surprises me. But it would be nice to not to have to yawn, sneeze and sniffle my way to get there!
Monday, September 21, 2009
I want a new party.
I am a liberal. There it is. I am a card-carrying member of the Democratic Party. I like most of what the Democrats stand for. But, God love 'em, the party makes me nuts sometimes. Friday I received an email from the Washington State Democrats. I get a goodly amount of email from them and most of it makes me crazy - Friday was the last straw.
It seems that the Mayor of Mt. Vernon, WA (pop. 31,000, a pretty little town about an hour north of Seattle), is giving the key to the "city" (which seems a fairly grandiose term for Mt. Vernon) to Glenn Beck, a conservative talk show host on Fox News who is primarily known for crying on cue and sounding outraged over pretty much everything liberal. The WA Dems are livid. They would like me to sign a petition to tell the town council of Mt. Vernon to "overrule" this presentation. It is useful to know that the Mayor of that burg - one Bud Norris - was a classmate of Mr. Beck's at Mt Vernon High School. Hence the "honor" he is bestowing.
So why am I ranting? Because there are important issues in this state and this country. Health care anybody? How about quality education? How about jobs? Just to name a few from the top of the list of REALLY IMPORTANT THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT. Glenn Beck getting the key to the city of Mt. Vernon? That isn't even on the list.
Why does this need to be explained to the folks in charge? It makes my head hurt to think of the amount of time it took to just send out the stupid email in the first place (and really, that was probably automated). Still, the Chairman of the State Party put his name on it, and even took the time to reply to my email back to them. A reply that equated Glenn Beck with Joe McCarthy. An obscure talk show host on Fox News with a US Senator, a comparison that is laughable.
Even on the home page of the State Party this is the headline. Healthcare is there, in the guise of telling the party faithful that we can all get wristbands that read "Health Care Now!" because as we all know, wristbands are the key to getting good policy passed. We have petitions for Mt. Vernon to consider, petitions that we are to send to All Our Friends. But for healthcare we have wristbands.
I wonder if it is time for a new political party. The Common Sense Party. Perhaps have some sort of test to join - or at least an essay. If you can't focus on the issues in rational, sensible way you can't join. Anybody interested?
It seems that the Mayor of Mt. Vernon, WA (pop. 31,000, a pretty little town about an hour north of Seattle), is giving the key to the "city" (which seems a fairly grandiose term for Mt. Vernon) to Glenn Beck, a conservative talk show host on Fox News who is primarily known for crying on cue and sounding outraged over pretty much everything liberal. The WA Dems are livid. They would like me to sign a petition to tell the town council of Mt. Vernon to "overrule" this presentation. It is useful to know that the Mayor of that burg - one Bud Norris - was a classmate of Mr. Beck's at Mt Vernon High School. Hence the "honor" he is bestowing.
So why am I ranting? Because there are important issues in this state and this country. Health care anybody? How about quality education? How about jobs? Just to name a few from the top of the list of REALLY IMPORTANT THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT. Glenn Beck getting the key to the city of Mt. Vernon? That isn't even on the list.
Why does this need to be explained to the folks in charge? It makes my head hurt to think of the amount of time it took to just send out the stupid email in the first place (and really, that was probably automated). Still, the Chairman of the State Party put his name on it, and even took the time to reply to my email back to them. A reply that equated Glenn Beck with Joe McCarthy. An obscure talk show host on Fox News with a US Senator, a comparison that is laughable.
Even on the home page of the State Party this is the headline. Healthcare is there, in the guise of telling the party faithful that we can all get wristbands that read "Health Care Now!" because as we all know, wristbands are the key to getting good policy passed. We have petitions for Mt. Vernon to consider, petitions that we are to send to All Our Friends. But for healthcare we have wristbands.
I wonder if it is time for a new political party. The Common Sense Party. Perhaps have some sort of test to join - or at least an essay. If you can't focus on the issues in rational, sensible way you can't join. Anybody interested?
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
New Ventures
After a month of job hunting; which, by the way, is a soul-killing way to spend your time; I have found that I keep coming back to the same thought. This thought has haunted me since the day I walked out of Zymo wondering what the heck I was going to do now, wondering why the universe had heaped this new challenge on to my plate. It is a thought I have talked out with my brother Erik, a thought that I have bounced off a couple of people who I trust (my 'wise council'), it is a thought that each time I think I have gotten around it, it pops up again. The thought? Why not work for - ME???
Once I got past the fantasy of sleeping late, going to the gym any time I wanted to (instead of dragging myself out of bed at the ungodly hour of 5 am), and taking meetings in my pajamas while West Wing played silently on the TV in the background; once I came back to the reality of how much time, effort and heartache running your own business really and truly takes - I figured no way. I can't do that. What about health insurance? What about benefits? What about paid vacation? What about a 401k? How would I live without those???
But this little voice in the back of my head keeps persisting on talking about it. "You have a really good idea," it says to me. "This is a great niche market," it adds on occasion. "You like what you would be doing and you like how it sounds," it chides when I try to rationalize my way around it. "DO THIS. DO THIS NOW!" It roars and pounds its fists on the ground when I try to ignore it.
So maybe I should. Maybe I really should. In fact, I think I will.
Once I got past the fantasy of sleeping late, going to the gym any time I wanted to (instead of dragging myself out of bed at the ungodly hour of 5 am), and taking meetings in my pajamas while West Wing played silently on the TV in the background; once I came back to the reality of how much time, effort and heartache running your own business really and truly takes - I figured no way. I can't do that. What about health insurance? What about benefits? What about paid vacation? What about a 401k? How would I live without those???
But this little voice in the back of my head keeps persisting on talking about it. "You have a really good idea," it says to me. "This is a great niche market," it adds on occasion. "You like what you would be doing and you like how it sounds," it chides when I try to rationalize my way around it. "DO THIS. DO THIS NOW!" It roars and pounds its fists on the ground when I try to ignore it.
So maybe I should. Maybe I really should. In fact, I think I will.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
