I got an email from a friend the other day. This is a wonderful, sweet, well meaning person who really does have my best interests at heart. And yet she asked the question that I dread these days "how's the job hunt?" I dread it because there is no easy answer. It is all sorts of complicated, to be honest.
What I ended up replying with was an answer that is honest, but is starting to feel canned. It is along the lines of: still out there, still looking, and while it is a bit scary to be a year out of work, I am not willing to take a slog position. I am holding out for a career. Yes, it sounds a bit weasel worded, I admit; but it is the truth. I am not willing to work at something I hate for an indefinite period of time. It is not fair to the person employing me, and it is not fair to me. I know how defensive that sounds. It is such for a reason.
The same, well meaning friend wrote back and said "yes, but isn't a slog job better than being on the dole?" And there was the phrase that I hate - on the dole. It hits me in the face every time I go to an interview. The present, confident me is sitting there believing that I am interviewing the company as much as they are interviewing me. The little voice in my head is screaming out in desperation "you must nail this! They must offer you the position!" Because if they don't, it means that I am continuing on the dole.
Even when that position turns out to be not what I want, when I turn out not to be the best fit, I worry about how it will be perceived. Am I being too picky? Or am I really being a discerning job hunter looking for her next career position? Truthfully, I am the latter. Truthfully, I am the huntress on the trail of something great, something exciting, something that will make getting out of bed in the morning a joy. Yet, there it is - looming over me - I'm just being too picky.
The same people who have clucked their tongues and shaken their heads over the men I have not dated, not settled down with, are again sighing that I am just too picky. That no one gets to live the dream, so it is better to settle for something - anything - less than optimum, because who knows when another offer is going to come my way.
It is hard, one year out, to hold to my ideals. It is hard, one year out, to keep looking for the right position. It is hard not to take the very next thing offered. When friends are being promoted, when friends are heading off on vacation, when friends are car shopping and shoe shopping and house shopping - it is hard not to feel like I am being picky about where the next paycheck comes from. But the last thing I want is to be back here in six months, a year; to be starting over yet again.
It maybe true that there are only so many chances in the world. I just want to make sure that the next one is the right one.
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I say go for it, Kathryne. The well-meaning friend can say, as we've discussed before in different contexts, exactly the wrong and most unsupportive thing.
ReplyDeleteI think it's exciting as hell that you're not willing to settle for some job--marking time and picking up a paycheck for doing something you hate and something that doesn't serve you.