"Supposed to's"

In the movie Chocolat, Judi Dench tells her sweet grandson that he shouldn't worry so much about "supposed to's." Ms. Dench plays a fiercely independent woman who, well, dies in the end; albeit on her own terms (fiercely independent women often die in movies, I think it is a cautionary tale - but that is a topic for another post). Even though she comes to a bad end, her advice is pretty sound. I know I spend a lot of time on supposed to, and I wonder if I should.

Right now I am supposed to be looking for a job. I am supposed to be depressed and worried over my future. I am supposed to be willing to do anything as long as it means a paycheck and healthcare coverage. Right now I am also supposed to be re-inventing myself, I am supposed to be taking time off to grieve (presumably for my now dead career), and I am supposed to be thinking about what I REALLY want to do with my life.

Then I get a call from my brother tonight and he reminds me that we are supposed to be true to ourselves. Actually what he said was that we needed to tell ourselves the truth about what we want. Which makes this a "should" instead of a "supposed to." What a difference a few syllables and consonants make, eh? Because the truth is that there are a lot of things I want to be doing - first and foremost is writing. There are a lot of things I never want to do again (like manage someone else's calendar). And the truth is that there is a huge gap that I am not at all sure how to bridge between those two. So instead, I avoid telling myself the truth.

Instead I smile at people and tell them "that sounds interesting, I should look into that" even if I would rather gouge my own eyes out with a toothpick . Because I am supposed to (look into the job, not the eye thing; just want to be clear). And when, miracle of miracle, someone who is supposed to know such things says to me "well, you're a writer" I smile and demur and wonder how the hell she got that notion. Because she's not supposed to. And neither am I. But you know what? The truth is that I should.