Looking Backward, Looking Forward

The last two days have been focused on the past and the future. In some ways it is easier to look there then to actually see where I am right now. Because right now I am unemployed and there are so many contingencies around that for me that it is sometimes overwhelming. So I look backward at all the things I have done hoping for some inspiration.

I have been a zookeeper, a travel agent, a political campaign assistant, a retail sales clerk, a copy reader for a newspaper. And then somewhere along the line I became an admin. It wasn't a conscious choice, it just kind of happened. A temp job to get through school became an ad hoc career. When that happened the girl who had been a zookeeper, a travel agent, etc. seemed to disappear. That was the girl who had a lot of dreams about her future, the girl who was going to change the world, or run a zoo, or create really awesome education programs for museums. I have to give her credit, she hung in there for a few years, waving from the back row and even daring to shout out a few ideas now and again. But somewhere along the path she was shown the door (she is still hanging around outside, occasionally pounding on the door, but largely ignored).

Then there is the future tense, daring to dream all those dreams about what to do next. Researcher, policy wonk, corporate communications - writer? It is a bit frightening to dream, though. That, historically, hasn't worked so well for me. Probably because the bouncer who showed the aforementioned zookeeper girl the door does a really good job at hushing the gallery. Dreams? Really? Are you crazy? That's absurd! No good will come of that, move along, move along, nothing to see here...

Thus I stand here at that gate. Looking backward at the times I dared to dare and how much fun it was, wondering where I ever got the gumption to do it all. Looking forward across the chasm that separates me from the future and wondering how I can get over, under, around or otherwise through it. And yet, fearful of letting go of the gate, taking that next step. But I made it this far, I made it to the gate - yes?